by Andre Pegeron
Pittsburgh, PA — Following Wednesday’s practice at the team’s facility in Pittsburgh, Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin and a man identical to Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin met with fourth-year wideout Juju Smith-Schuster to discuss the offense, how he was adapting to virtual team meetings, and most importantly, which one of them he would shoot.
According to team officials, approximately ten minutes into the meeting, one of the head coaches pulled out a Beretta M9 and slid it across the table, where it was promptly grabbed by Smith-Schuster. “Come on, Juju” said the men in unison. “We’ve spent so much time together. Which one of us is real?” The fourth-year wideout out of USC’s normally steady hands began to tremble under the weight of the decision.
Word of the meeting spread quickly around the facility, but coaches quickly downplayed any negative effect on morale. When reached for comment, the imposter Tomlin said: “I’m the real Mike Tomlin,” adding that “only [he] could remember what was said over the phone when Smith-Schuster was drafted in 2017.” The real Mike Tomlin was unavailable for comment as he was recovering from a gunshot wound to the leg.
By Andre Pegeron
TALLAHASSEE, FL — This offseason, he’s not just rehabbing his shoulder. As Jameis Winston gently strokes the shell of a nearby horseshoe crab, he opens up: “I never really understood what these guys were all about until I came here.”
While many have labelled the former Florida State Seminole a “bad boy” due to his shoplifting violation that was in no way, shape, or form him trying to flout bizarre NCAA rules and protect his eligibility by pretending to steal seafood he was getting for free, the New Orleans backup quarterback is trying to make a difference among the community he harmed in his past. Yes, the crab community.
“Claw Pals” shirt clinging to his athletic physique, Winston has spent upwards of ten hours a week at the suburban facility, which describes itself as “a crustacean haven,” “like the humane society, but less cute,” and “not at all weird, people really do care about crabs.” At press time, Winston was reportedly trying to feed the crabs W’s.
PALO ALTO- While visiting his alma mater of Stanford, Denver Broncos’ GM John Elway was seen sneaking into the nearby forest to try and entice a Redwood tree into playing QB for his team.
This could spell bad news for 2nd year QB Drew Lock. Although Lock is a human man, capable of playing the sport of football, it could be tough for John Elway to pass up a prospect with these freakish measurables. (240ft tall WITHOUT shoes!!)
LOS ANGELES- The Rams’ decision to update their look has a surprising origin: their accounting department.
It all started with a late night conversation between GM Les Snead and payroll expert Doug Flutenhorse.
“One night it was just Doug and me in the office and he said ‘you know I’ve been taking some graphic design classes at night?’ So I told him ‘prove it.’ And he did.”
Doug, for his part, is humble about the whole experience. “It was pretty weird actually. I don’t know, Les is always super weird with me. I haven’t even been taking graphic design classes. He just keeps bringing up how he thinks we were lovers in a past life and I was trying to change the subject before he took off his shirt again.”
Says Snead: “I keep telling Doug he’s special. He’s capable of doing so much more. And when I saw that sketch I knew I was right. It was just this perfect thing of beauty. So I decided to overhaul everything. Make it the official team logo. Show it to the world. Make Doug feel supported, cared for, fully seen. That’s what you do for those you love.”
RIVER STYX, MA- Newly released documents show that New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick has had a second job for years: Grim Reaper. After flaming out as head coach of the Cleveland Browns, Belichick sought out the cloaked figure to pick its brain on “achieving consistent greatness.” During their meeting Belichick accidentally killed the seemingly immortal being and inherited the job, a la the Tim Allen classic “The Santa Claus.”
Reached for comment at the door of soon-to-be victim, Boston native Patrick O’Doul, Belichick stated that he doesn’t “…enjoy it, per se, but I’ve come to see it as something of a hobby. It helps to take my mind off the rigors of the NFL schedule.”
O’Doul’s final act was asking and being denied Belichick’s autograph. As the life flowed out of his eyes and into the tip of Belichick’s scythe, O’Doul was quoted as saying “No problem, thanks for the rings, bro.”