RIVER STYX, MA- Newly released documents show that New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick has had a second job for years: Grim Reaper. After flaming out as head coach of the Cleveland Browns, Belichick sought out the cloaked figure to pick its brain on “achieving consistent greatness.” During their meeting Belichick accidentally killed the seemingly immortal being and inherited the job, a la the Tim Allen classic “The Santa Claus.”

Reached for comment at the door of soon-to-be victim, Boston native Patrick O’Doul, Belichick stated that he doesn’t “…enjoy it, per se, but I’ve come to see it as something of a hobby. It helps to take my mind off the rigors of the NFL schedule.”

O’Doul’s final act was asking and being denied Belichick’s autograph. As the life flowed out of his eyes and into the tip of Belichick’s scythe, O’Doul was quoted as saying “No problem, thanks for the rings, bro.”